Wake Up

Hidden deep behind you will see,
The reality you want to escape.

The feelings you try and push aside,
Will always come back to haunt you.

It’s time to grab on tight,
Do not let go.

You have the strength within,
Because what lies ahead is worth it.

Find a way to change those feelings,
Do not let them hold you back.

The outcome is in your hands,
Make it count.

Fight the nightmare,
You deserve to wake up.

Oh, You Don’t Have Benefits?

So how will you be paying for that? You can’t afford it? Well then, here is just one more thing for you to worry about. Because that is exactly the thing you need on your mind when you are already struggling…

I work full time and I have benefits through my company, so picking up a prescription at no cost is just something I have the luxury to do. That said, the company I work for has just transitioned to a new owner so my benefit plan is being transitioned to a new account. While I await for my new plan information to give to my drug store I needed to pick up a prescription today, and so I had to pay full price upfront for it. Kind of a pain, but I will be able to get reiumbursed soon so no big deal.

I have no shame admitting that I was picking up a prescription I take to support my struggles with anxiety and depression. The reason I tell you this is because that is why I am sitting here writing this post.

I paid $100 for my prescription, which is a one month supply. As I said, I have the luxury to be able to afford benefits through work. But the price of the prescription amazed me. I never knew how much it actually was. And I am not complaining, because I am going to get reiumbursed. And I am not complaining, because I can afford to spend $100 and not worry about it right now. I am actually not complaining at all. I am concerned for other people. For the people struggling with mental illness who may not have the luxury to afford benefits that can cover any (be that some or the entire) cost for medication they may need.

Whether you believe in medication as treatment for mental illness or not that’s fine, your opinion. Even as someone who currently uses medication I agree both ways as I think a lot of factors can make up that decision for someone. But I wont get into that now. My concern is about how so many people struggle with mental illness every day. And of those people how many of those people struggling could benefit from the support of a prescription medication. And more importantly, how many of those people simply cannot afford to spend $100 (give or take) on medication.

This thought that came across my mind today has me feeling shocked and saddened that I never thought of this before. I even did a little research into prescription medication benefits and government support for where I live. And do you know what I found? Nothing. No programs that support medication coverages for those suffering from mental illness. Wow. This actually makes me feel sick. I almost feel ashamed that I never thought twice about having the luxury to get the support I need. For those who don’t have that luxury, I am truly sorry. I am sorry that you have this struggle to deal with on top of why you are struggling with mental illness in the first place. With the stigma that still exists amongst mental illness, I feel for those who are afraid to get help. And now I feel for them even more because they may not even be able to get the help they may need when they hopefully find the strength to try and seek help.

I am sure I could go on forever, but I will leave you with this: my thoughts, my feelings, simply my expression. As always, I appreciate you reading. And if you have some thoughts or insits to share about this topic I look forward to any responses.

Now I am off to do some more research, as my mind and heart are intrigued. I am curious to see what I can find about programs in other places around the world. I wonder if this is just an issue where I live or is this a bigger issue than I even knew…

NOTE: I do want to mention that I am aware of all the various programs and such where I live that do support those with mental illness in terms of support groups, counselling, etc., I am just strictly thinking about it in terms of prescription medication.

If This Was A Dream

A purposed touch or an accidental graze,

makes my body shiver.

A meaningful look or a quick glance my way, 

makes my eyes light up. 

A thoughtful compliment or a sweet simple comment,

makes my heart race. 

When you cross my mind, 

I smile to myself. 

When we spend time together,

you give me butterflies. 

If this was a dream, 

I would never want to wake. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wedding Bells Have Rung

Yesterday I had the pleasure of being a bridesmaid for the first time… for my Mother’s wedding. 

I know, kinda funny that I was a bridesmaid for my mom eh?  My parents divorced when I was very young so this is her second marriage. But actually her first wedding, as her and my father never had an actual wedding.  So I feel pretty lucky that I was a part of her special day.  My mom, and new step dad have been together for 14 years and never planned to get married.  That never bothered any of us family or friends or them really. They had just been happy being together and knew they always would be anyways.  But after some talk about a wedding and then some persusian this past winter, from his parents and my brother and sister and I, they decided to make it happen!  

So yesterday they tied the knot! My older sister and I were bridesmaids, and our younger brother was the best man.  He also walked our mother down the aisle (as her father is not around to do so) to give her away.  It was a simple yet beautiful wedding held at my step dad’s parents house (they have a large farm property).  It was a great night celebrating with family and friends. 

During the planning, the wedding, and now that it has happened, I have been experiencing a lot of emotions myself.  I always referred to my new step dad as my step dad, and his family had always been family over the years.  It has just been an emotional experience.  I never thought I would feel how I do.  I think it has opened my eyes to marriage.  As a child of divorce I have always been a little scared of marriage.  Yes I want to get married and have a family but like a lot of people I have my worries.  Now after seeing my mom get married after 14 years of dating someone, I feel a little different.  They have had their ups and downs, but have pushed through and developed a love and relationship that showed me that when you find the one you make it work and let love win.  In fact, “love wins” was the pastor’s (who married them) message and it completely makes sense to me.  I am so incredibly happy for them.  I am glad love won for them. 

And as I am sure you noted, I am not married, but I  have an amazing boyfriend who I cannot wait to marry one day.  He had been so amazing and supportive during my stress lately setting up for the wedding, and I am so thankful that I could share yesterday with him.  Seeing him spend time so easily with my family and friends yesterday made me me fall even more in love with him.  I hope that love wins for us too. 

And for everyone out there reading this, I hope love wins for you too! 

 

Crash, Bang … Broken

“You’re broken”. A simple statement that has haunted me for the last eight years. 

Broken. Yep, broken. That’s what she said. I can recall the night, sitting outside at my friends apartment. What triggered the conversation I can’t exactly remember, but like friends do, we were having a bit of a heart to heart I suppose you could say about life and what we wanted for our future and such. I was still a teenager at the time. And like it was nothing at all, as if calling someone pretty, she called me broken. 

Let me be open and honest here and give you a little back story on my life. I have struggled with anxiety and depression since I was very young. I use the word struggled, because it has not always been something I was willing to admit or share with people. In fact, for a long time I couldn’t even admit it to myself. That night, some 8 years ago, was clearly a time when I had not come to terms with it. 

I took what she said very personally. How the heck could someone be broken? How dare her call me broken, like I am some piece of glass that has just shattered on the floor, something that can’t be fixed. And don’t get me started on being fixed. I didn’t need to be fixed, nothing was wrong with me. So what if sometimes I got a little too emotional and cried over things because I didn’t know how else to feel.  Big deal if I sometimes felt nervous or sick to my stomach with that “ants in your pants” kind of feeling. Everyone has lousy days or feels nervous or upset sometimes, and if I would sometimes rather sit home and be by myself then go out, so be it! 

Since that day, I always noticed when I heard the word broken being used to describe a person, and it always made me uneasy. People go through things in their lives that may cause them to have challenges in other aspects of their life. That’s part of being human. 

It wasn’t until the last year or so that I really started thinking about this word again. I have slowly come to terms with the anxiety and depression and know that it is a part of me. I have tried to really get to know myself and what I want in life despite this, as I won’t let it hold me back or control me. I can admit, some days it does, but it doesn’t define me. I know that I have had situtations in my life that have affected who I am. Take for instance, I am a child of divorce. I know there are studies to prove what affect this has on a person. I get that, and I can accept that. Or the fact that I don’t have my father in my life, or the situations I have seen my mother go through. I know these things have affected me. I have made decisions in life related to relationships (friendships and lovers) that are “textbook” repsonses to my behaviour or choices I made. But I have really tried to get to know myself and love myself for who I am. It isn’t always easy, I am not perfect. But I never considered myself broken. Until now.

I no longer think that word is so terrible. It doesn’t make me less of a person or that I need something or someone to fix me. It just means I have a lot of pieces to me that won’t always work together in a positive way. I don’t need to put the pieces back together like a puzzle, because it won’t work. I just need to continue to accept that there are situations in my life that have shaped me. And that’s ok because I have lived and learned and will always continue to do so.  And as a believer in destiny, it helps me not regret. Not everyone believes in such a thing, but for me it helps. And as I continue on my journey of self discovery, as I probably will for the rest of my life in some form or another, I am no longer afraid to admit that yes, I am broken. 

 

Fear

There is strength buried below the darkness in me,
But some days the climb is way too steep.
It takes over my mind,
Because fear runs deep.

Will you run or hide,
Can you handle the hurt I have inside.